On Purpose




I remember looking at Claire as a newborn- only a few days old.  I remember thinking, "who are you?"  She was my little baby- so intimately knitted in me and now known in my arms.  But, I had a feeling that, unlike her brother, getting to know her would be like getting to know a stranger.  I would have to be purposeful in developing our relationship.  She has never been an open book, and her ways are not my ways.  Little by little, over the last 6 years, that is what I've done- gotten to know my daughter on purpose.

She is sensitive, she is stubborn.  She hates loud noises and loves quiet, grown-up moments with me alone- folding laundry and drinking "coffee."  She has rhythm, she is strong.  She loves to teach, not to be taught.  I have seen her put aside her strong will to make her baby sister happy and tell her big brother that he's her "best buddy."  She loves nothing more to go... anywhere... with her Daddy.  She is sassy to me and can be disrespectful and keeps me awake at night fearing that she is going to hate me some day.  She plays with my hair when I ask her to.  When I drop her off at preschool or Sunday school, she opens her arms to me and asks for a hug and kiss.  She is so beautiful that I can't believe she's mine.  The things she does that I don't understand, are understood when I see her Daddy- she's his girl.

A few days ago, the weather was perfect.  I spread a blanket in our yard and brought a snack and some books out to enjoy together.  She sat in my lap, under the tree, and let me read to her and tickle her and play with her hair.  It felt so good to be sharing time together like that.  The absolute right thing to be doing at that moment.  I am so glad that I realized it, and didn't let the moment pass.  Supper was late, chores that could have been done didn't get done.  But I spent time getting to know my daughter on purpose.

Tomorrow she's going to go to kindergarten and step on the first rung of the ladder that will carry her up and off on her own.  I'm excited for Claire and the year ahead of her in school.  I know she's going to be great.  She'll have a pile of friends and excel in her work.  But my days are going to be different.  Her little presence won't be there.  She's been such a good little companion to me and I am so glad that, while I don't get to keep her home with me, I get to keep those memories, and know that more are on their way.



Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 19, 2012 at 8:38 PM

    What a sweet post, Rachael. I hope she has a great year in Kindergarten!

    ReplyDelete
  2. sdjohnsonSeptember 3, 2012 at 8:25 PM

    I love how you describe your Claire! She sounds like an incredible little girl who is growing into an incredible young woman... the kind of person I'd want to hang with :-) And great writing, as always Rachael!

    ReplyDelete

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