Why I'm Home
I wrote this journal entry about three years ago. I came across it the other day, and was blessed by reading it. I am so thankful that I get to be home with my kids. It's not always a easy or enjoyable, but it is always worth it.
My mother always made it clear that staying home with my sister and I was one of the most important things that she'd ever done. Growing up, I understood that this was a valuable thing... to be home with your children, even if it meant great monetary sacrifices.
Therefore, staying home with my children became a goal of mine from a very early age. It was something I always assumed that I'd do after a stint in the working world. I planned on settling into a dreamy, cuddly world of mommyhood. Visions of baking cut-outs, reading by a sunny window and running through the grass filled my imagination.
But then we were blessed with a pregnancy sooner than scheduled. My husband's job didn't pay enough, our mortgage was too much, and I had just started a fabulous job that I loved. The new plan was that I was to become a working mommy.
Visiting daycares was as heart-wrenching as I'd feared. How could I leave my precious baby in a single room with 17 other babies in the hands of women I probably would not hire to babysit for dinner and a movie? But, my niece and nephew had survived here; they were delightful and flourishing toddlers, so I signed my unknown baby up.
The years that followed were really actually wonderful. After two months in a group daycare, Darlene fell into our lives. She had done in-home daycare for 35 years and ran her home both as a tight ship and as a quiet, calm and soft grandma's house. Fisher loved her and I loved her. I worked three days a week as a pediatric dietitian and enjoyed my working days and savored my stay-at-home days. Two years later, little Claire joined our family and after strongly considering quitting, I decided to keep up the routine.
Things went on OK, but a recurring theme in my life was guilt about not being home full-time with my kids. At this point it was financially possible for us, so WHY wasn't I doing it? Oh how I agonized over the decision that I felt I was being called to make.
I was afraid of saying goodbye to part of myself. I was really good at what I did. My coworkers praised me, my patients and their families appreciated me. I had great friends at work and I got to enjoy time without kids for 24 hours every week.
Still. I felt a constant nudging. An ever-present whisper in my soul... "What are you missing? This is your chance...they are home for a brief season. SEIZE THIS OPPORTUNITY."
So I resigned. With minimal tears. A load was lifted. I walked out of my bosses' office with a deep thankfulness that I had listened to the promptings of my soul.
I am staying home with my children not because my mother stayed home with me, not because it was expected of me, not because I didn't have a rewarding career, but because I made the choice to.
My days are definitely filled with more boxed mac and cheese than cut-out cookies. More breaking up of fights than lounging in the sun and more running around my house than through the grass. But my days are overflowing with moments that would have never been if I hadn't been there to have them. I get to see so many more smiles, wipe so many more tears and laugh so much more often. I am living a reality that would have never existed had I not decided to let it be.
My mother always made it clear that staying home with my sister and I was one of the most important things that she'd ever done. Growing up, I understood that this was a valuable thing... to be home with your children, even if it meant great monetary sacrifices.
Therefore, staying home with my children became a goal of mine from a very early age. It was something I always assumed that I'd do after a stint in the working world. I planned on settling into a dreamy, cuddly world of mommyhood. Visions of baking cut-outs, reading by a sunny window and running through the grass filled my imagination.
But then we were blessed with a pregnancy sooner than scheduled. My husband's job didn't pay enough, our mortgage was too much, and I had just started a fabulous job that I loved. The new plan was that I was to become a working mommy.
Visiting daycares was as heart-wrenching as I'd feared. How could I leave my precious baby in a single room with 17 other babies in the hands of women I probably would not hire to babysit for dinner and a movie? But, my niece and nephew had survived here; they were delightful and flourishing toddlers, so I signed my unknown baby up.
The years that followed were really actually wonderful. After two months in a group daycare, Darlene fell into our lives. She had done in-home daycare for 35 years and ran her home both as a tight ship and as a quiet, calm and soft grandma's house. Fisher loved her and I loved her. I worked three days a week as a pediatric dietitian and enjoyed my working days and savored my stay-at-home days. Two years later, little Claire joined our family and after strongly considering quitting, I decided to keep up the routine.
Things went on OK, but a recurring theme in my life was guilt about not being home full-time with my kids. At this point it was financially possible for us, so WHY wasn't I doing it? Oh how I agonized over the decision that I felt I was being called to make.
I was afraid of saying goodbye to part of myself. I was really good at what I did. My coworkers praised me, my patients and their families appreciated me. I had great friends at work and I got to enjoy time without kids for 24 hours every week.
Still. I felt a constant nudging. An ever-present whisper in my soul... "What are you missing? This is your chance...they are home for a brief season. SEIZE THIS OPPORTUNITY."
So I resigned. With minimal tears. A load was lifted. I walked out of my bosses' office with a deep thankfulness that I had listened to the promptings of my soul.
I am staying home with my children not because my mother stayed home with me, not because it was expected of me, not because I didn't have a rewarding career, but because I made the choice to.
My days are definitely filled with more boxed mac and cheese than cut-out cookies. More breaking up of fights than lounging in the sun and more running around my house than through the grass. But my days are overflowing with moments that would have never been if I hadn't been there to have them. I get to see so many more smiles, wipe so many more tears and laugh so much more often. I am living a reality that would have never existed had I not decided to let it be.
Rachael, Thank you for journaling, and sharing with us from it!
ReplyDeleteI learned some things about your journey in this post, thank you for sharing. It brought me to tears. I relate with a lot of it, and it is nice to see some of my feelings put to words.